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I’ve been slowly slipping into a depression over the past few weeks since I completed this last issue. I feel ashamed. This seems incredibly self-indulgent during a time when people are losing jobs, losing homes, losing loved ones. These are “real” reasons to be grieving. What do I have to be depressed about? I feel like I should be able to pray my way out of this, or at least surrender my way through it. But right now, I just feel stuck.
I am seeking help, but it’s not immediate. There are appointments to wait for, referrals to wait for, determinations to wait for. Can we even afford therapy? Paying someone to talk to me also seems pretty self-indulgent. It’s such an intangible resource to invest money into.
I read over ISSUE 6 again and I have to confess that I am completely out of touch with “Spirit-sourced self-love, self-care, and self-control.” I am disconnected and completely OUT of control these days, and certainly OUT of FLOW. The goal is still valid. The truth is still the truth. I’m just having a hell of a time grasping hold of it.
One of my dear friends often encourages me to pray for willingness when I get stuck….willingness to accept myself right where I am…willingness to ask God for help…willingness to move back into His grace….willingness to take one small action that is healthy and helpful.
So here is the challenge that I am faced with: Can I accept that this IS? That this is part of my journey? Can I accept myself, even at my weakest? Can I accept myself, even as I continue to reach for the food to temporarily distract me from the internal conflict that is overwhelming me? Can I accept myself, with even MORE extra weight on my body? Above all of these, can I accept God’s unconditional love?
Even as I type this entry, I find that it’s easier to analyze the struggle than overcome it. For now, all I can muster is one simple plea:
God, please help me.
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