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As I wrote in a previous blog entry, I stopped taking anti-depressants a few months ago and had been functioning well enough without them. In the past few weeks, however, I’ve noticed a distinct downturn in my mood. I can feel myself slip-slidin’ away. This has been very difficult to come to terms with because, although I have experienced some low lows, God has been so present with me and has performed some amazing transformations. Even so, I recently landed on my pastor’s doorstep a weepy puddle. I poured my heart out and, in return, she very graciously poured out loving care and wise counsel. As she was responding with TRUTH to everything that I was sharing, I kept responding like Carrie Fisher’s character in When Harry Met Sally . . . “Youre-right-you’re-right-I-know-you’re-right.” I was just too overwhelmed by the convergence of stress and sleeplessness for it to FEEL true. And then she laid the big one on me: YOU NEED TO GET BACK ON YOUR MEDS.

SH*T! (Yes, I said it out loud . . . in front of my pastor!) Suddenly I could see a huge neon sign flashing brightly over my head that read “FAILURE.” BUT God told me to get off my meds. He said He would heal me! Did I hear Him wrong? If I heard Him wrong about this, how can I be sure that I EVER hear Him right? And then the torrent of worries that had already been swirling around me for days just let loose. We hashed it out together for awhile until I finally surrendered. Get back on my meds, huh? Youre-right-you’re-right-I-know-you’re-right.

*Beliefs do become biology. And I guess when it comes to a mood disorder like depression, biology can shape beliefs as well by distorting the perception of reality and putting a negative spin on everything. I just need to accept the fact that my biology needs a boost.

So, what have I learned? What’s the lesson?
(Because there always has to be a lesson, right?)

Sometimes you hear right.
Sometimes you hear wrong.
And sometimes you just don’t know if you heard right or wrong.
But God is ALWAYS good.
And He is ALWAYS working everything together for good.

God is still actively engaged in reprogramming my heart drive, but He has chosen not to explain the how or why of the past few months. He just told me to seek Him for today. And today, He is directing me to get back on my meds. So I’m letting go of the self-imposed label of “FAILURE” and I am choosing to be a “FOLLOWER.”

*Dallas Willard can back me up on this:

“For many of us today, our body is in a constant state of agitation and discomfort. Most often it is due to tendencies in the self that have settled into our body’s parts and put it at war with itself. Wounds, fears, unsatisfied desires, shames, losses, unhealthy ambitions and images of the self sink beneath the horizon of our awareness. We may even deny them. But they continue to disrupt our body and can even take over our life through the body’s “automatic responses.” What we see in such a case is soul disruption manifesting itself in disorders of the body, which in turn threaten to take over life as a whole and could even lead to physical death.”

~Renovation of the Heart

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